


a stupid ass love story

by necroesthe, takastucci_sen



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Kaneki is self aware, No one here has any common sense, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, The fic no one wanted but deserves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 15:55:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4925827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/necroesthe/pseuds/necroesthe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/takastucci_sen/pseuds/takastucci_sen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I knew 3 three things for sure:<br/>1: Tsukiyama Shuu is a sparkly vampire (and a hot piece of ass i’d bang in a heartbeat)<br/>2: I did nothing to deserve any of this (all these vampire are idiots, ignore the thought in the first point.)<br/>3: I’m not cut out to be a romance protagonist (if i was the protagonist of a tragedy on the other hand…)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. just your average love story beginning

I'd never given much thought to how I would die. I thought it would be because of Hide wanting to go motorboating off a cliff and into an ocean full of spikes because he saw it on youtube, or when I decided to do the cinnamon challenge and salt and ice challenge because Hide told me to. Now that I think about it, I probably wouldn't of had like a hundred near death experiences if I had stayed the fuck away from that kid.  

Oh yeah, about my supposed dying.   
           
      

My name is Kaneki Ken, I’m nineteen years old, and this is the story of how I became the protagonist of a shitty ass lovestory.

 

Moving to ‘murica from sweet Japan was a fucking pain in the ass, but at least I was able to get away from my shitty aunt. But there are these people who were like my ass, pale as fuck and haven't ever seen the sun.

But unlike me, they were attractive. They made their reflections run away because a mirror could simply not convey their hotness. Or maybe it was because they simply didn’t have a reflection, because they were, you know, fucking vampires. Who were pale like my butt. Asspires.

I sighed and took a large gulp of my water bottle, trying the quench my thirst. It didn’t work. I really needed to get something more satisfying like Tsukiyama’s weenie. Or Hide’s. Or maybe I just needed to stop drinking tap water and started chugging down holy water. Who knows.

 

Back on track.

 

My aunt drove me to the airport with the minivan she stole- I mean permanently borrowed-  from the guy across the street. I looked straight ahead and tried to tune out her ranting about my grades again, which obviously is better than my cousins. Because for one, I study. And two, I’m motherfucking Kaneki Ken.

I held my passport and plane ticket tightly in my hand, nearly crinkling it. I didn’t want to go to Spooner, Georg, because that was an outlier that should not be counted. But this was a chance to get away from my aunt, and now a legal adult, i was ready to take that chance.

Everything here was like my soul, dark and gloomy. It smelled like dicks, and the whole place seemed to shimmer like the glitter perfume from those cheap hand me down stores. Not the most ideal place to live but, what you do with money you stole from some guy on the street.

I looked at the clock. About 10 more minutes until I arrived. I leaned back and closed my eyes, deciding to pay attention to her speech for once.

“-absolute shit to you.” Huh. Maybe she wasn’t such a stone cold bitch after all and wanted to fix the bond that never was. “But I don’t regret it at all, because fuck you. You always make me feel so inferior, like your mo-”

And there she went again. I rolled my eyes so hard I felt them go back in my skull. Ow.

“-she didn’t like my status!” Ohhhhh my god. Facebook. “I mean, who doesn’t like minions? Who doesn’t like minions throwing shade, especially in a maid ou-”

“Wow, the airport is in view now.” I said, undoing my seat belt. “Time to go.”

She stopped the car, and I nearly fell head first into pavement. Yay, that’s how you start a new beginning. I got my suitcase out of the stol- permanently borrowed- minivan and made way to the airport.

“Don’t come back,” My aunt shouted at my retreating back. Then she turned the car around and went back.

What a lovely goodbye.

 

My apartment was small and ugly. The tap water wasn’t even clean, brown and muddled with flecks of dirt. It was also this God awful shade of pink with multiple lamps everywhere. Like seriously, there were like twelve lamps in just the living room. It was disgusting.

But it was away from my aunt and that was better than anythi- oh fuck.

A centipede the size of a small dog scuttled out from under counter. It crawled towards me.

“Okay.” I said, inching towards the front door. “Oooookay.”

It didn’t hiss. It fucking growled. I was out the door in seconds, and I could hear the centipede scratching at it.

And it was as I was running the fuck away from the huge ass centipede that I met a hot piece of ass. Wow, I regret saying that.

His hair was a mix of blue and purple, and the suit he wore seemed to have been the result of a rainbow with a hangover. He was also shimmering, like the rest of this city. But he was still hot. Like, he belonged on the front cover of Vogue. Or, if it were up to me, playgirl.

I hadn’t realized I had said that aloud until the hot guy fanned his face. “Mon cher, I’ll have you know that I don’t fuck on first date.”

Shit. Mission abort. I need to leave before I embarrass myself any furthe-“What about second, then?” Goddammit mouth.

Hot guy clearly didn’t expect an answer, but was not disappointed. He smiled. “Why don’t you find out then?”

I almost screamed. Or maybe I actually did, I don’t remember.

“At the coffee shop called Anteiku tomorrow,” He said to me. “”Meet me at 9 pm.”

Then he left, and I stood there, watching his retreating back. Oh, how I’d love to dig my nails into his back and leave long scratches when we did the frick frackle, making him bleed. Then lick said blood off his back as I pou-

The hot guy suddenly stumbled and looked at me. He was blushing all the way down his neck and his eyes were wide. Hot guy’s mouth was also slightly agape.

I let out a small smile and waved. That was our first encounter, and the one of the best and worst moments of my life.

 

I walked back to my apartment. The centipede was no longer there. Perhaps it had scuttled out the door and into another unfortunate soul’s home.

Content, I went to bed and tried to sleep.

But in the middle of the night, something crawled next to my head. I stilled, my heart beat racing. Then it whispered.

“Ayy lil’ mama lemme whisper in your ear.”

I let out an incredibly manly screech before the cat-centipede person fell off of my bed. Yeah that was the small centipede person, and he was trying to seduce me. He growled and it was...kind of sexy in a weird desparate way.

I gave the centiperson a look of utter disgust and put the covers over my head, the I heard it start whining, like a sad puppy.

No. I was Kaneki Ken, I would not fall for the whims of a small centiperso-

3 minutes later the centiperson was curled up on my face, sleeping. Don’t blame me, it was kind of cute in a disgusting sort of way, and it helped keep the actual centipede away from me.

( _the actual centipede was 3 feet away from the bed, growling. There seems the be an invisible wall that prevented it from coming any closer._ )

And that was how my first day at Spooner, Georg went.

\-----

The next morning, I found my little centiperson sleeping on the pillow next to mine. Was he a pet, did he have rabies? I honestly didn’t care because that was the most adorable thing I had ever seen in all of my days.

Anyway, I got up, got dressed and tried to decide where to go from there. There was also my date with the sexy shimmery purple man later that day. So yay, I guess.

It was as I was doing my hair (my isn’t naturally that floofy, after all), I realized I had no clue where Anteiku was. Or why hot purple man wanted to meet me so late.

Maybe it was because he wanted me to stay the night? I gasped. Time to take a shower to wash my ass just in case. You can never be too careful on dates. He may have said he doesn’t bang on first date, but what if, on the small chance of me managing to seduce him, he did? Ha, that was funny, I can’t even seduce a piece of paper, but I could dream.

Why the fuck was I even doing my hair? The date wasn’t for another 12 hours. I looked at my reflection. My face was covered in a green face mask and all of my hair was in hair rollers. I even had a pastel yellow bathrobe on me. Well, I could rock this for 12 hours.  

I had nothing to do today anyway besides clean the apartment, maybe even drive the evil centipede out. I might need a flamethrower though, incase things get too difficult.

The centipede headbutted the door and I sighed, opening the cabinet under the seat to pull out my flame thrower. Better start with the most troublesome one first.

 

 

 


	2. dat dank booty tho

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS FL4TS0 AND I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE BECAUSE APPARENTLY AO3 DOES NOT SUPPORT PHONE EMOJIS, THEREFORE THE CHAPTER WAS CUT OFF WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

 

Centipedes the size of small dogs, as it turned out, were immune to fire. and poison, and darkness and fairies, and teenage angst. They weren’t however immune to water. And it was a good thing I stocked up holy water.

“Fuck off, you shittard!” I shouted, dunking the bucket over its head. “Die!”

The centipede proceeded to scream, shrivel up and die, not in that order. Well thank God that was over, now to get ready for my date.

 

 

Why a coffee shop was open at 9pm I didn’t know. What I also didn’t know was why Purple man was done up in a obnoxious purple-I mean, blood grape colored suit that seemed to glow like glow sticks in black light. I later found out that his name was Tsukiyama Shuu, and that he was the son of a multi millionaire. I found me a good one. Not that I was a gold digger, but I wanted someone with a ton of cash. It wasn’t required, but prefered. I lived in an apartment with a 3 foot long centipede after all, I needed something better.

I was going to empty more than just his ballsack.

“So, Kaneki-kun.” He said in that sexy purple voice of his. “What's your favorite food?”

“Ass. I eat it for breakfast.” I also ate dick because after some deep soul searching and sad yoga poses I managed to find a way to suck my own, and eat my cousin’s. But that was a skill I would demonstrate for another time.

Tsukiyama proceeded to talk about a variety of things that I didn’t give two bitches and a flying cooch about. It was mostly just crying. I guess it was here that I realized how much of a shallow fuck I was. My mother’s probably rolling in her grave.  

But I learned everything from her so oooh bitch- who’s shallow now?

 

The bell on Anteiku’s door rang, and the most beautiful woman in existence came in. Her hair was a vibrant purple and her eyes were a rather fortissimo purple. She was perfect.

The woman’s eyes scoured the busy coffee shop, searching for an empty table. Her eyes made contact with mine, and I swore we just created a bond deeper than Bear Grylls’ ass.

I pushed Tsukiyama out of his seat, interrupting his recital of the Bee Movie in French (which was sexy, but not as sexy as the purple lady), and waved over to her. “Y-you can sit with me!”

Tsukiyama gave a look of complete betrayal and I flipped him the bird. Sorry buddy, but my asshole only has room for one person at a time. Two or more people in one butthole is not a good experience.

(my asshole got ripped. literally. like, there was blood everywhere. and hospitals are not fun for you or your half butthole)

The purple sparkly woman giggled and sat down in Shuu’s seat. She smiled at me, and I swear to god, my kokoro nearly burst. My face also nearly caught on fire with how hot my blush was, but anyway. “Thank you so much for lending me this seat. I’m Rize Kamishiro, and you are?”

“Kaneki Kock-I mean Ken. Kaneki Ken, it’s nice to meet you Miss Kamishiro.” I swear if my boner were any harder, it’d explode. Like a small fireworks show where my dick is. I’ve seen it happen to my cousin before, and it’s a weird mixture of beautiful and horrifying. And I’m glad I remember how much of an idiot Tsukiyama-san was, so the worst was prevented.

Tsukiyama took at look at his own hardon, then at mine. Of course, mine was bigger, despite shrinking by the second. A trickle of drool slipped out the corner of his mouth and his eyes became glazed over. I wondered if that’s how he looked like when we eventually bang after I did Rize. What? I know he’s a dumbass, but he’s hot as shit. (Yes I am aware of how shallow that is, fuck off.)

He choked on his own spit and wiped away the saliva with the back of his hand. There was a new determined look in his eye. Tsukiyama stood up and slammed his hands on the table. “Kamishiro-san, do us all a favor and fuck off. I called dibs on him first.”

“Do us all a favor Shuu and get rid of the hideous curtains you call a suit.” Rize smiled, and looked at him with eyes so narrowed that they were but small slits. It was more teeth than actual smile. And my dick got so hard it could break diamonds again, fuck me. By that I mean Rize Kamishiro, please bone my skinny pale non existent ass. Preferably right now. On the table.

Tsukiyama recoiled and looked at me, torn between disgust, fascination and interest. Then he turned to Rize and wrinkled his nose. “Why don’t you take a shower for once, Smelly Kamishiro?”

Ooooooh. Get rekt Rize. I hid my laugh as a cough and ended up choking on my saliva as well.

“At least I don’t smell like a literal glitter factory.” Ooooh shots fired.

“It’s all natural, excuse you.”

“That’s even worse.”

Their bickering escalated to a full on shouting match, then they engaged in fisticuffs. Rize knocked out all of Tsukiyama’s teeth in one blow, and I snatched them off the ground for safe keeping. I should now inform you that they were not safe from my centiperson.

The centiperson had somehow opened door and followed me all the way to Anteiku. Now it had joined the fray, and was currently beating the everloving shit out of Rize. It ripped off mouthfuls of flesh and swallowed, foaming from its mouth.

Now that I think about it, maybe the reason that the centiperson was so weird was because it had rabies. I should get that checked. Could centipedes even get rabies?

I pulled out my phone and began to- hold up. Google could wait. I had the most awesomest idea.

I raised my phone’s camera to the battle, and hit record. This is was going to get so many views on youtube. Then I won’t have to make manga reviews wearing just my boxers to get likes.

 

When the battle was said and done, Rize and Tsukiyama were a bloody and sparkly mess on the floor, and my centiperson had crawled back to me and had demanded to be picked up.

Looks like the date was over. But oh boy, Rize and Tsukiyama looked great all bloody and roughed up. Like damn son. sign me the FUCK up

 

 

They should totally kiss or fuck. Maybe with me joining in. Make it a threesome. Actually no. My boner was gone and I didn’t care enough to get it back. I cared more about not being accused of murdering them and going to prison.I left some money on the table, picked up my centiperson, and left the coffee shop to get him checked for rabies.

 

I had to say this was the best first date ever. Mainly because I hadn’t gone on any other dates because I was a sad shy fuck with only my right hand as a companion so I have no point of comparison. Well, unless I count Hide, but that was like once...in a dream.

 

 

 


	3. neuter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> taking a centipede to the vet ends in magic

Centipedes, as it turned out, could not get rabies. So I could have just left the vet in .259 seconds. But the vet was too sexy, like a sunflower. A sexy sunflower. So I lingered and asked him more questions.  
“What are the effects of tumblr’s call out culture and lack of tolerance towards anything they deem unacceptable in their misguided attempts of making the site a better place, but only serving to worsen everything due to constantly cyberbullying and stalking other fellow bloggers on today’s youth?”

“I wouldn’t know, because I don’t have a tumblr, but...good question I suppose” His voice was like the sun, if you could hear it. Which would scientifically be impossible, since we’re so far away from the sun that we couldn’t hear it but I digress. He was hot like the sun too. So I decided to call him Dr. Sunshine.

“So uh, Dr.Sunshine,” I leaned forward on the counter, making sure the front of my shirt dropped ever so slightly so that my nonexistent cleavage was visible. His pupil caught sight of my lacy purple bra I had worn for Tsukiyama. “Do you, come here often?”

“Well, uh.” His voice shook. The powers of my purple lacy bra must be working, I wiggled forward a little bit. “I sorta work here, so yeah. I guess I come here pretty often.”

Oh, duh. Maybe my bra was defective, or it’s power was wearing off. I think I used it all trying to seduce Tsukiyama.

The person behind me, some huge ass dude with blonde hair and a lizard, kicked the back of my shin. “Move fuckwad.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” I looked at his lizard. It was green, like mold. And seemed to have smoke emitting. “Yamori.”

He gasped, showing off his gold tinted teeth. Rich bastard. “How do you know my name?”

“Didn’t know that was your name, I was referring to your lizard. It’s a yamori.” God, what an idiot, it must be in the air of this town. I covered my nose with my sleeve and prayed I hadn’t been contaminated.  
Well that was a disaster, like my date with Tsukiyama and Rize. Oh well, Dr. Sunshine was a new person who could hopefully get in my pants. Actually, anyone could get in my pants. I just wanted Dr. Sunshine to be the first out of all the idiots in Spooner, Georg. That would be a true accomplished. My eyebrows wiggled seductively.

Dr. Sunshine’s eyes widened and he stepped back a little. “Dude….your eyebrow. Are they okay man.”

The wiggling intensified, until they were fullon twerking. “Yes, why are you asking?”

“I-I’m a doctor, I can help you with that.”

“But you’re a vet, so the only thing you should be worried about is my pussy after you destroy it, even if I don’t have one. But I’m sure you can make it work.”

Dr. Sunshine coughed uncomfortably, “I think your centipede is alright now.”

I looked down at the centiperson, whom I named Mukade-chan last minute because I can’t just say their name was centiperson. It was humping my leg, I should get him neutered while I’m here. I think he was in heat.

I was also in heat, because I’m a horny shallow bastard 24/7. But still. You don’t hump people’s legs in public. You do that in private. Like in the bathroom or behind the bushes in the parking lot.

“Can you get him fixed, Dr. Sunshine?” I asked.

“Can you?” He asked.

“May you get him fixed?”

Dr. Sunshine rubbed his nonexistent beard because asian grow beards. Plain and simple. I was an example of this. My grandma on the other hand looked as if someone had slapped on pubes to her face. Maybe that was the case because they always fell off while she was cooking, but I digress.

“Well, I’ve never tried cutting off a three year old centiperson’s balls off, but I’m sure there's someone who can.” He stepped back and showed me a pic of a mustached purple haired guy with glasses. The man had a heart bedazzled around him, and I tried not to judge Dr. Sunshine, because if I had it my way, we’d be Netflix and Chilling right now to Spooky Buddies.

I really hope he’d give me the ol razzle dazzle. Then I’d give him the ol’ razzle dazzle. Then to Tsukiyama and Rize and uh- the doctor that’ll remove Mukade’s balls.

 

I hadn’t realized I said that aloud until Dr. Sunshine’s eyebrows widened in shock and Mukade ceased humping my leg. Mukade froze and and then went through a midlife crisis. Then he started humping Dr.

Sunshine’s leg with a newfound passion. Couldn’t blame him. I would have done the same.

The doctor that Sunshine had requested turned the corner with a syringe in hand. He pushed his glasses back, and there was an anime glare. Fucking weaboos. “Yo wassup dawg, I heard there was a midget about to get balls chopped off.”

The face that Mukade made was one of absolute terror, the he started thrashing and screaming and I couldn’t help but feel bad for him. It was as the doctor picked him up and took him into the operating room when i realized that Mukade was three and probably humped me out of affection and not sexual desire.

Now that he was gone, I turned back to Dr. Sunshine. My eyebrows winked at him. “So….why don’t you and I go somewhere and bang?”

“I’m at, uh, wor-” He caught sight of my purple bra, and I knew I had him snared into my gay homo smexy smut fantasy. “There’s this one room no one goes to. Down the hall. To the left. Then to the left again.

Then up the ladder and down the stairs and maybe three feet into the void.”

I leapt over the counter and into his arms. I licked his neck in a totally non creepy manner. “Take me there you hot stud muffin.”

 

After what I could assume was a five minutes walk, we walked into the dark, large room. The closest thing to a bed that we had was one of the ones that you have your pet lay on, but it would have to do for now.

Hopefully next time it’ll be at a house.

There was also an enormous box of condoms in the corner of the room. It was wider than seven four year olds and went all the way up to the ceiling. Welp this was going to be fun.

Then Sunshine whipped out his massive donger and-

It smacked my face. Blood ran down my temple and I swear I saw the near distant future, where my pan ass was getting so much sex. I think i have a concussion now. Dammit. This is the best way to bang kids. I pulled out my little mini willy and it instantly became as hard a diamond.

We began to sword fight with them. My willy against his massive donger.

I somehow managed to cut off his arm.

“ ‘tis but a flesh wound.” He said and-

 

Then I woke up in the waiting room of the vet with Dr. Sunshine standing in front of me, holding a half asleep Mukade-chan.

“Um, you alright man, you passed out a couple hours ago.”

Fuck. My. Life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mark is sorry that they haven't updating antichrist  
> rise is done with this as our beta  
> rise and I are sorry for not updating Little Red Riding Ken  
> I'm sorry for not updating The Kids are Alright  
> so take [Tokyo Ghoul Airhorn](https://soundcloud.com/turbulentmusic/tokyo-ghoul-airhorn) by [Neil](https://soundcloud.com/turbulentmusic) (mark's bae)

**Author's Note:**

> written with crystallightbutterfly (check out their tumblr)
> 
> are we kicked outta the fandom yet?


End file.
